Top Things NOT to say to a Military Wife

One of my childhood friends and fellow military spouse had this posted on her facebook earlier today and I just thought I would share it along to the blog world.

Things NOT to say to a military wife.
Since I've been with Chris and we've gone through 3 deployments together (and he did an additional tour before he met me), I have experienced almost every single one of this comments.  Some of them are just kind of like "well duh" questions and others ones are just on the very annoying side.  I understand that people who are not married to a military man or who have never gone through a deployment really have no idea the things we go through, so sometimes they are just trying to find the "right" thing to say.

1. “Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?”

**This one ranks in at number one on the “duh” list. Of course we’re afraid. We’re terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds while they are in a warzone.  Sometimes, it pays to think before you speak, or even imagine if that was your husband fighting a war...wouldn't YOU be afraid he would be killed??

2. “I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.”

** We’re not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices. And if you were put in the same situation, you WOULD be able to do it as well.  This is intended to be a compliment, most times I honestly don't even know how to respond to this comment except to say thanks.

3. “At least he’s not in Iraq.”

**This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there...turn on the news, open a newspaper or log onto the Internet...catch up on your world news.

4. “Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?”

**Don’t you watch the news? No! They don’t get to come home for any of these things. Please don’t ask again.  Unfortunately, the war is still going on regardless of the special events that are going on at home and their job is to be defending our country. luckily enough, their families know and understand that their job is going to require them to be away from the home on more than one special occasion, so we embrace the ones we get to celebrate together with twice the joy.
5. “What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?”

**Anything and everything I can to help the time pass quicker.  Including uping my workouts and working longer hours. We get lonely but not bored. 

6. “How much longer does he have until he can get out?”
**This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren’t counting down the days until they “can” get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.

7. “This deployment shouldn’t be so bad, now that you’re used to it."

**Sure, we do learn coping skills and its true the more deployments you’ve gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes.   We figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets “easy” and the bullets and bombs don’t skip over our guys just because they’ve been there before. The worry never goes away about not ever seeing your husband again.


8. “My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you’re going through.”

**This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband’s three business week trip to . with a 8-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it.

9. “Wow you must miss him?”

**This is one of the stupidest questions people ever ask me. Would you miss you're husband if you didn't see him for 6+ months and barely talk to him??

10. “Where is he exactly? Where is that?”

**Non military folks don't need to know everything, but they need to know the basics. Know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. . Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they’re on the news every night and in the papers every day.

11. “Well, he signed up for it, so it’s his own fault whatever happens over there.

**Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn’t sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that “You’re welcome.” He’s still fighting for your freedom.  

12. “Don’t you miss sex! I couldn’t do it!”

**hmmm, no i don’t miss sex. i’m a robot. seriously…military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn’t withstand 12 months of sex deprivation. Deployments create this intense, extremely strong emotional bond that I don't think many relationships are lucky enough to find.  Within every downside there is an upside.